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Mixed Marriage

Bardo

Member II
I'm sure this is a perennial posting topic, but I would be very interested in hearing your feedback. I married a non-sailor some twenty years ago. And while I have made some progress in getting her to enjoy it, she still summarizes her feelings about sailing like this: "I love to sail. Just don't make me feel seasick!" Paraphrased it sounds to me like: "as long as the weather and other conditions are perfect, I'll sail with you. Just don't let it get windy!"

Now, I love my wife. And she knows that sailing is deeply engrained in my psyche, so she is tolerant to the extent that is able to be. But long cruises may be out of the question. We are between boats, and I am looking for my next love (hopefully an E-34/35). How do you deal with your significant other if he or she is not as "avid" as you are about sailing?

Thanks for your input.

Freeman
 

Sven

Seglare
<$0.02>
If I were in your situation I would charter a catamaran and take her out on that to find out if she would find that level and stable enough. It won't be an Ericson but it will be on the water and _might_ let you both enjoy sailing.
</$0.02>



-Sven
 

Loren Beach

O34 - Portland, OR
Senior Moderator
Blogs Author
Wading in here, foolishly, perhaps.....

If a person likes being out on the water, there could still be sailing and cruising on nice days. If a person is afraid of water that can be helped by a learn-to-swim class, and a spouse should not be present. If a person has a fear of sailing due to "control issues" that may take real professional help to resolve... being subject to invisible forces like the wind really bothers some folks, regardless of gender.

If, OTOH, the overriding issue is motion sickness, they may need some prescription medication... IF they do like being on the boat and/or like sailing otherwise.

I have know of a few adults that really suffer from motion sickness and just cannot spend time aboard any boat. Usually they do not ride in the back seats of cars, either.

For the long distance sailor who gets sick for the first part of a passage, they almost all get better after some days out there, i.e. the inner ear will get used to the motion.
I personally know of couple that lived aboard a 40 foot boat and cruised both US coasts, did 2 Atlantic crossings and explored around the British Isles and spent some time in the Med. They were gone a decade. The wife got sick for the first 48 hours every single time they started a major ocean trip. She loved the boat, but always took a while to get used to (again...) the motion.

I hope that your spouse can enjoy the sailing and the quiet anchorages equally. And do get her to take the helm. Confidence grows when a person gets some personal control over something solid.

Regards,
LB
 
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treilley

Sustaining Partner
My wife did not know she liked sailing. We had a San Juan 21 that was fun to sail but needed constant attention at the tiller. She never really wanted to try it and I always enjoyed it so she never took the tiller.

I decided to move up to a Pearson 28. She saw the love in my eyes and supported me not knowing if this was something she could enjoy or even do. Well, the first sail involved a 15kt NW blow with 25kt gusts on a broad reach. It was 2 hours to Portland from where the boat wintered. The first gust she got very nervous and said she was very uncomfortable while leaning(to windward) as far back in the cockpit as she could. She is smart and understands the engineering behind a keel boat but that did not matter. So I gave the tiller to her. The next gust came and she got a big smile on her face and said "wow, this is great". The rest is history.

When it came time to move up again she was very excited and treated the purchase like a second home. She was very interested in the creature comforts and to make this boat "ours". She also wanted a fast and safe boat. She assumed I had covered that. Enter the Ericson.

Sea sickness can be an occasional problem although I do not believe she is truly seasick. She is a pilot and has never been airsick since flying as a kid with her family. She will sometimes get sick and then immediately feel better. This usually resullts from a poor breakfast and big waves. As long as she eats smart she is fine. And even when she does get sick, she is not miserable. If she feels it coming on, she will take the wheel to take her mind off of it.

As far as fear, one of the early trips we took involved 12 ft. seas in our Pearson 28. After she saw that the boat could withstand these conditions she was fine. Weather rarely affects her now.

So I would say get her involved in the purchase and get her interested in sailing(maybe without you). In Maine, a woman teaches a weekend sailing course for women only and she promises no yelling!
 

Bardo

Member II
Great feedback. Ellen has only sailed a few times really. She sailed occasionally on our Bristol 29, and took the helm occasionally when it was quiet. We went for ten day to the BVI last winter and chartered a cat. We sailed with another family, which pretty muched took the fun out of it for her I think. This year I have the use of a friend's Allied Luders 33, which is fairly comfortable and very stable for a mono-hull. I am planning a quick cruise across the ChesBay to Oxford for an overnight. Should take half a day to sail/motor. I figure that allows me to control the environment a bit. And then restaurant and cocktails when we get there. A little bribery never hurts, right? BTW the kids (8 & 10 really love to sail).
 

Emerald

Moderator
My other half was born with a book in her hand. Likes it healed over and the wind blowing, so the actual sailing was easy, but was having a hard time wrapping her head around the overnight thing. So introduced her to overnighting on a really peaceful cove without anywhere to rush to the next morning, but a nice relaxing time fishing with the kids while she burned through another few chapters. Looks promising :egrin:
 

treilley

Sustaining Partner
David, mine was also born with a book in her hands. In fact she is currently reading 2 books at the same time. They are the same story from 2 different perspectives. I am thinking intervention at this point! Of course she could say the same of me and sailing!

She loves it heeled over so she can either read or sleep on the lee side of the cockpit(when she isn't sailing) I had to pry her hands off the wheel when we spent a few days cruising with her dad. I let her do all the sailing so she could whip his butt. And we did! He is still in shock that our measly ericson 35 could outsail his Etap 39.
 

WhiteNoise

Member III
All true and a short story to prove it

I can both sympathize and relate to all of the above. I have been with my wife for over six years now, two years married, and as she says, "I know I married a sailor."

She was definitely a non-sailor but is making tremendous strides. She grew up around power boats so she likes all aspects except the "tilting thing" (healing).

Two things I found to be the most important:
1. Encourage but do not push (a mistake many of my sailor friends have made and openly regret)
2. Give it time. If she/he has an open mind and understands your passion then it will come with time. How could you not love this!!!

Here's a little story that exemplifies this:

I took Jill from Huntington to Block Island this season. We sailed along with two other boats. This gave her some comfort. We did this trip in two legs. On our first leg we made the decision to continue on to Mattituck through some weather, nothing bad but some varying seas and heat lighting. Mattituck was the only viable port between Port Jeff and Block, and we were well past Port Jeff so we chose to continue on.

The seas kicked up a little and the come-and-go storms made Jill uncomfortable and a little seasick. She ultimately felt better after she passed out in the V berth (I know, this is the reverse of what is common but it works for her). She slept for four hours while I single-handed through the worst of it. I woke her up on our way down the channel into Mattituck's anchorage.

The next day we departed for Block Island, had a wonderful sail, arrived, anchored, cooked dinner, and had a wonderful time doing much of the same for the three nights and four days we stayed. She was hooked.

We left Block Island early in the morning for Westbrook, back towards home but on the CT coast. We had another beautiful sail and grabbed a dock at one of the marinas.

We left for Charles Island, one of our favorite anchorages just off of Milford. Just about 2 nautical miles from our destination I noticed the skies in the distance start to darken an look very weird. To keep her comfortable and to be safe I turned on the motor, furled and dropped sail, lashed everything down, and took a compass bearing on our destination which was just beginning to appear. Sure enough a squall was brewing.

It hit us like a ton of bricks. Knocked Pegasus on her toe rail (sails down). Rain, heavy hail, and thick fog rolled on top of us making steering impossible and visibility none to speak of. I watch the depth drop from 60 feet to 40 feet almost instantly and knew we were getting blown to shallower water quickly. I was having trouble holding course only to realize that we were now going due east, exactly the opposite of bearing I took. Pegasus got spun like a top.

I told Jill to come up and steady the helm while I crawled to the bow, tossed the anchor overboard and hooked the bottom. I figured if it came in fast, it would leave fast.

After getting the boat secured I told Jill to go down below and relax, lit the boat up, and sat outside blowing the air horn every once in a while.

I sat there and tormented. I figured for sure that was it. Why now? We were making such great progress. If the other storm got to her then, oh man, I'm screwed for sure. She is NEVER going to come out on this boat again. All was lost.

Well, the storm passed, I went below to find her tidying up and asking what I wanted for dinner. SHE WAS FINE!!! She had full confidence that all was well. I even found out that she heard boats calling for help on the VHF during the ordeal. I couldn't believe it. She even listened to the Coast Guard report and told me while I was sitting out there they announced a 50mph squall developed off the coast of Milford and was traveling East.

We hauled anchor, continued on to Charles Island, had a wonderful evening, and watched on of the most beautiful sunset after dinner listening to some great music over a hot cup of coffee.

She loved it, loves it, and is a better sailor for it. I am so proud of her. Just in the nick of time too because we now have a baby on the way, who is due in May. She decorated Garrett's room with a sailboat theme.

I love it, I love her, and it is all worth it.

Don't fret, it will all come with some time.
 
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treilley

Sustaining Partner
Great story Chris. I think we are very lucky to have wives that understand us and truly make an effort to be with us. My theory is that my wife and I are so much alike she had to fall in love with this. We love everything else together.
 

Bill Upchurch

Member II
My wife and I have been married a long long long time and our relationship is good.
She is not a sailor and has no interest in trying to be one. Quite frankly, that's OK with me. The boat is a place for me to get away from everything either alone or with my Brother,Son,Grandsons or friends. Besides, I think women belong on the shore (there, I've said it).
 

Meanolddad

Member III
Bill
Do not ever say that around my daughter. I showed her your post and her response is a bit more colorfull than mine. She took most the pictures of Golden Girl when we all went out to take pictures off San Pedro. She lives to be aboard a sailboat. When she was a kid she saved her own money to pay for a two week summer camp on a tall ship. She would also love to do a Transpac. She gets really upset if I talk about downsizing and buying a smaller sailboat. She loves "her" Ericson and is also talking about she wants the Potter we are restoring. Not much interested in powerboats, I raised her right.
My wife does not really understand the whole sailing thing so we compromise, I keep the cabin warm while they are skiing and she handles the house when we are sailing. Fair trade in my opinion. My younger daughter is not sure if she likes it or not, she does love to hang out at the marina though so I think there is hope yet.
Greg
 

tenders

Innocent Bystander
My wife and I have been married a long long long time and our relationship is good.
She is not a sailor and has no interest in trying to be one. Quite frankly, that's OK with me. The boat is a place for me to get away from everything either alone or with my Brother,Son,Grandsons or friends. Besides, I think women belong on the shore (there, I've said it).

As the owner of two young daughters and having seen many girls flourish on sailboats through years of junior sailing programs, I don't agree with the last sentiment, but Mrs. Upchurch and Mrs. Tenders are apparently very closely related.









(Just kidding about owning the daughters. They own me.)
 

Bardo

Member II
Well,
Its good to hear all of the different views on this topic, and I have a bit of hope based on your input. This year is more gentle sailing, a lot of day sailing and maybe a couple of overnighters. Then either it becomes a dad and kids thing or we move on to the next step. As an aside, my duaghter is by far the more active sailor of the two so far. Granted she is a bit older, but she has a passion for it that my son lacks so far. He likes to hang over the rail and look at the sea life, she likes to drive. Of course, it will help when he can see over the cabin top!
 

Meanolddad

Member III
Hi Bill
Jessica and Jennifer say apology accepted and Jessica still thinks Golden Girl is one of the prettiest boats she has ever seen
Greg
 

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CaptDan

Member III
<$0.02>
If I were in your situation I would charter a catamaran and take her out on that to find out if she would find that level and stable enough. It won't be an Ericson but it will be on the water and _might_ let you both enjoy sailing.
</$0.02>



-Sven

Then again, maybe a motorsailer is in your future.

Indeed, the traditional variety is a compromise, but some old salts have found them the best way to ensure the significant other is aboard for the ride. If things get gnarly, fire up the over-sized iron genny, stay upright and keep the peace. Ted Brewer wrote an interesting article about motorsailers a few years ago in Good Old Boat and said essentially that same thing. As long as she has rags 'n rigging on her, she's not full-on stinkpot.:rolleyes:

Not trying to steer you away from Ericsons, or sloops in general, just offering another option. I can say from personal experience that significant others don't always cotton to the same past times of their mates - even if they started out liking them in the first place.:wife:

Capt Dan G>E35II "Kunu"
 

Jeff Asbury

Principal Partner
The trouble with having dames on board

Besides, I think women belong on the shore (there, I've said it).

"The trouble with having dames on board is you can’t pee over the side."

-Humphrey Bogart
:egrin:
 

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tooblaaave

Member I
waves, wind, woman and beautiful wonder

MY wife and I had an 18 ft pos daysailer to start. she was scared so I took it real easy. When time to upgrade her big deal was a head. I had a short list of boats, she picked the ericcon 27 and loves this boat. The biggest help has been going slow and make sure she feels secure. Last time we were out see asked to tack the boat single handed, did a great job and really growing as a sailor. We are upgrading and getting the boat ready to go to the Sea of Cortez, Also I wanted to we got her into some sailing classes of her own with out me around. I was happy to her she thought I was a better teacher because I was so nice to her. Any way forgive the ramble. Nic
 

Dan Mendat

Junior Member
The better half and my obsession

I found a local marina on Lake Erie who offered an "All women's weekend" sailing class and got my wife and her friend to go. It was a Friday thru Sunday event (all days on the water) aboard 30-38' Hunter boats that they rotated aboard for different lessons/techniques. What a proud moment it was for me to see my wife (via a harbor webcam that nobody knew about) at the helm doing docking manuevers aboard a 36' hunter. We were sailing a Southcoast 22' at the time and I wanted her to know that bigger and better things were out there that actually sailed better. She got hooked and only a few months later we sold the Southcoast after finding an Ericson 27. Although she is still scared of the tiller and finds it odd (the hunters all had wheels), she loves the Ericson and shows even more enthusiasm. The rest is history.
:clap:
Dan Mendat
1974 Ericson 27
 
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